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JUST MOVING ON-37


Sometimes my behaviour is erratic in nature,and the words coming out of my mouth well,I feel I need a firm control.All this excitement has no meaning at all and I often end up embarrassing myself.The culprit is as usual my self control,obviously the lack of it. I don't know sometimes why impulsive behaviour takes control of me and I almost without a resistance give in.
At this critical stage of life,when on the one hand we are supposed to build our careers and on the other equal importance is to be given to our character and personal relationships.The relationships with individuals at our age is vulnerable as almost everyone is confused in his/her understanding of the world.I feel,it is only after a certain age when we calm down,that we start to value the importance of a human being without attributing false characteristics to him/her.
I don't like labeling people and hence I too get upset when people try to label me.But to express the displeasure is really a tough job as no one is ready enough to understand it. My relationships with persons around me is not satisfactory at all as I feel there is a certain reluctance on my part.This is why I've no intimate friends .I have a nature of getting comfortable with anyone I come across but then if someone tries to enter my personal zone,I really get upset.
In fact,among persons I don't know and my friends/family I'll choose the persons I don't know if I am asked to have a good conversation.I get more comfortable with someone I don't know.Really,I feel that I enjoy the moments of someone telling his/her story to me.Someone sharing his ideas,expectations,fantasies with me is one of the most enjoyable experiences for me.Lately,I've been working hard in order to run my life as I have to do every household work myself.Even with exams round the corner,this semester I've not devoted much time to studies but will compensate now definitely and this being the last exam in the college,I feel I should score more than previous ones!Whatever,I should admit that sometimes I do get way off the track and the firm thing which can pull me back is dormant if not missing.Whether it is a feeling of shame or guilt or in the worst cases fear,it is definitely not playing its part it should.The guilt is too easy as whenever we try to do something wrong and it is criminal in nature,the guilt forbids us from doing it.Whenever we are about to do something unethical/immoral,it is shame which forbids that.And whenever we do something stupid in nature,the fear restricts us.
I think its all right most of the time for me,I am in control but the problem starts whenever there is an impulse.Only then I require these weapons but I feel they don't fire when I need.Instead they misfire at the wrong time.So how to manage these emotional weapons is something I look forward to do as it is one of the most important things in the building process of myself.
Overall,I have taken a one way path from where I can't return,so its no use trying to look up to others ans theirs might be different.Hence,I don't feel the need for approval as well as submission to others,just because my way is different from them.Whether it is good or bad,whether it is fruitful or fruitless it does not matter and I don't waste too much time over it.My purpose in life is clear and I'll put my best effort in achieving it.Sometimes though out of my innate human nature I sink in doubts and a little bit of negativity but then I look up to some people for inspiration.People with worse initial conditions than me,have succeeded without making too much hue and cry about it,so why should I sit down and doubt myself!
This world is a canvas literally and we are here to paint,whatever we like.Whether others like it or not,who cares!!!

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