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JUST MOVING ON-46

Of late,I've had trouble keeping my inflated sense of superiority in check.Although,I abstain from boastful talk,yet there are a few hidden factors deep within which have frustrated me.One of them is my refusal to accept others' ideas.I don't subscribe to anyone's ideology whatever be the situation and things get real tough when the person tries enforcing it on me.I take the easiest path,yes appearing to be a rude formidable person but from within,I understand the futility of these petty struggles.

These are not supposed to distract me in the long run,but apparently my life has frozen and there is little/no activity at all.I try to prepare for the entrance,unsuccessfully.I'm fed up with it.Now as I look ahead,sitting at home for an year seems a certainty and I don't expect it to be awesome!It will be part waiting,part frustrating for me with all the comments coming from each side often making me feel like a 'good for nothing' person.Honestly,the description best fits me.I have not developed any social skills what so ever in the recent past,thanks to my love for solitude.And now I feel like paying the price for it.

My only passion remains within the academic domain.I am sure it is the only way for me to move forward.Although the fear that I've never been tested enough for my knowledge of physics exists somewhere in the mind.What if I fail in it as well?I don't know but one failure don't mean the end of life.This has been my motivation whenever I failed and it works.Talking of motivation,there does not seem any for me to go out and mess with the society.I am a solitude lover and will do anything to maintain it.People around my don't understand it,and often make fun of me,which obviously doesn't bother me.In fact,I often like it.

Often the thought that family is a real trouble and real freedom is in the forest living alone overcomes my mind.I start looking for ways to move out of the society and seclude myself even further.Really,if situations allow me,I'll leave my family life and live in solitude somewhere in a peaceful place.Somewhere there nobody bothers whether you succeed or not.Somewhere you are rewarded for love,somewhere you  have the motivation to do work without the love for cash rewards.

There are not a lot of goals in my life.I never set any goals for the long term,and certainly don't have any hefty aspirations.Although there is a desire to travel and see different people and their lifestyles.Apart from that there is no goal I pursue these days.Nothing binds me,but failures do keep me in check.They ensure I don't wander off the path.Now as I was thinking about mistakes,I realised my egoistic behaviour only increases the pain.I used to think,well i'm experienced and all the problems,well I can handle them in a flash.If there was a mistake,well how could I make it?It was the ego.Well,now I realised the mistake,and thus take every experience just like I used to to when I was a child.Back then there was no pain,just because there was no ego.
And the people,whatever they might think about me,I hope they don't have any influence on the path I'm following.That way,even though I may disappoint them at that instance,I'll be a success in the long run.Now here too,I don't measure success using the same scale that they do.It may be possible that I may consieder myself successful,and they will take me as a failure,a loser!But then:

stand up for what you believe in,set goals so that you could achieve them.

So,in the long run what other thought about me maybe a matter of joke,but what I thought about myself will be the question!Afterall,all the relations,friends,family etc were created here some by will some by force and none will last in the long run.At last it comes to each person for himself.

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