It's
been a week since the start of a new and obviously my last semester
in this
college.Each
day,as it passes I feel like inching closer to finally finishing my
bachelor's degree here.Although,I've been observing myself all over
but still I feel like lacking a control which I had developed some
time ago.I don't know whether it is idealising expression but still I
feel like my behaviour has not been upto the mark.I have had problems
with concentration and as usual I feel a strange nothingness in my
life almost everytime.It sometimes is helpful for me as I don't have
to worry about usual day to day issues.The things made for
enjoyment,don't entertain me although it may just be the mediocre
stuff which I can't appreciate even in my dreams.I expect a lot both
from myself as well as others and hence falter over and over a lot of
times.
Nothing
is permanent and I wonder if nobody has ownership of anything what is
this hue and cry all about.Honestly,I don't like being among men
anymore and wonder if I can live in seclusion all the way.Nothing is
fascinating for me at the moment and if it goes like this what could
be my position say 10 years from now?Spare a thought for my 'career'
I'm supposed to build over these years.I've been a regular student
but for what,I too have picked up some bits and pieces of unearthed
information available which they call knowledge but for what?I mean
there does not seem any meaning to it.I've been focussing on
nothingness,and here it manifests in my mind almost killing all the
passions inside me.It has literally killed all the desires I had over
some time.I don't want to have anything,I don't want to become
anything and the destination well we all know it.Then if we think it
that way,there doesn't seem any purpose for cluttering this life with
unnecessary stuff.I've been living an easy life with no purpose till
date,going with the flow and doing whatever my mind felt could yield
some happy moments as a result.Even unknowingly I've been in pursuit
of the thing which everyone wants,my path being totally different and
strange.But there are a lot of positives,I still have a relatively
less occupied mind and hence I'm free to make decisions,I'm not run
by desires or passion or expectations at all.This way I can enjoy the
things which not everyone can and of course is boosting my
information base. But then what controls me.Again the answer is the
same nothing.Although one of the desires is still strong and I hope
it does not fade away.It is my born desire to travel and explore new
places.I hope in the near future I fulfil it.
So
then if I feel like there is no meaning left for me,there is no one
to support me,there doesn't seem any purpose,it can be counted as one
of my usual days.I hope some very exciting day are round the corner
and instead of sulking and getting kind of worried by my
seclusion,I'm doing something productive and meaningful in life and
at the same time remaining mindful of my body,mind as well as my
behaviour.
Comments
Post a Comment