2013 ANOTHER YEAR PASSES BY...

The year 2013 is about to end and everyone is busy discussing what they did this year and what they did not.New plans are being made,new year proposals as well as a lot of wishing.On the TV too the news guys too are busy reviewing the entire year and there is a kind of typical new year atmosphere.

I am also considering looking back at this year but this year I don't plan it by doing the usual what went right,what went wrong kind of analysis.This is too boring at least for me.I mean I won't be remembering events happened in the course of this year,rather I'd be throwing them off of the head if they come by.It is useless kind of thing.Looking at the past and discussing is just a waste of time,I feel.As it means, no analysis of the year passing right now for me.The good things,the bad things they have been done and will result accordingly. No wasting my time over it. So then it leaves me with nothing but the present to look at.And at present I feel a little down.Not because someone or something hurt me,it is because of the 'not-doing anything' I have been doing for the past month.I could have studied all the physics portion I left earlier this month but I chose not to.Instead as usual I turned my attention to other things.I got a book about some military stuff (I do love it!) this past week and I have almost finished it by now and then I have read a few buddhism related books/manuals which I have collected over time.

Is it significant?Well,I know everything we do has some significance in the longer term.Nothing gets lost at all,the law of conservation says.So while I may be missing out on a lot of things,I am gaining a lot as well.So I think it is more of a glass half full,half empty kind of thing.Then it comes to consumption of information and yes the consumption may sound odd but it is important to mention that way.In this age of a lot of free information flowing everywhere around it is absolutely necessary to monitor the information we are importing to the head.Not everything is meant for us.There are a large number of 24x7 media networks and above it the internet containing zillions of bytes information,and if we go on consuming without a regulation,well the brain has a limit isn't it?I feel being an informed person is the necessity and yet overflow of information contains a hidden danger,about which I think I can't speak before researching enough.I can only point fingers at the moment.

Well the most difficult question to answer is the one starting with a why.Yet it is the most important one.It reveals the purpose,the intent and the overall reason why a certain thing is being done.And the question is even important when we are questioning ourselves.I do it a lot of times and is a habit to question myself before every action done by me.A lot of times I don't have the answer and I end up doing nothing.This doing nothing has sometimes an adverse impact on me,as it is having right now.I lack enthusiasm and the reason is that i'm not actually doing anything in usual terms.It happens whenever I'm sitting down even for a week.But starting this Thursday,I'll soon be rolling and this will be a non issue.

Then,there is one more issue I'd like to mention here.I get bogged down by it a lot.It appears all of a sudden and takes away all the enthusiasm which I build up over some time.Yes,it is the fear of failure.I'll not be able to do it. I may not be up to it,it will bring a lot of embarrassment and all that feelings.I will be a fool to discard it as a sudden nervousness.It is there and often multiplies when I talk to colleagues because they too feel the same.It is a common belief among youngsters to not believe in themselves and more than a library of books have been written to bring that belief back!But I'm contemplative by nature and I talk to myself a lot so I don't need anyone to help me,really speaking.On the contrary I'm always willing to bring the enthusiasm back among my colleagues whenever they feel like they lose it.But the feeling of failure is a very common problem really.I've a life to build ahead of me and I've had moments when I could be seen daydreaming while there have been moments when I get really bad feelings.But then what is the best teacher one can have?It is life itself.No one can guide us better than ourselves because we live in the reality and thus it is only us who know the real truth about ourselves .The things are not so sweet here.Getting nervous,then getting up and suddenly cheerful the next moment,this is what we are.We deal with a lot of waves in which the amplitude always fluctuates between the two extremes for a continuous wave.Life itself can be understood to be a continuous wave and that our mind swings between the two extremes almost every time.So,it is futile aspiring to be successful and not expecting failure at all,in this human life at least.If we accept happiness,we should prepare for sad moments.Then even if we fail once is it that important?Not at all.Life gives us ample opportunities to achieve what we want to and the entire thing depends on the effort put in right direction.But I wanted to focus on the fear of failure which still lingers inside me.

I have a lot of examinations to test myself ,more than 10 in fact and still I feel lacking something.Of course we can't always be prepared.The best part is that I have the opportunities and facilities which I believe millions can't have even today so in that way,I'm better placed.Also,with not a lot of burden of expectations on my head I can live my life,relaxed almost everytime.I mean never had 'I'll do this thing only at any cost!'kind of feeling.I've not been harsh on myself and hence my life is easy going and I think it'll be same in the coming years as well.Now,one thing has been doing the rounds in my head these days.Have I really improved anything with respect to my behaviour ?And hence I felt it is time to look back a few months from now and yes,it has changed a lot.All my personal life and discussions about it has been transferred and restricted to this page only.It means I don't discuss my life,social behaviour etc with anyone at least personally.It gives me a lot of meaningful ideas from other fields to talk about with others and also is helpful in reducing the egoistic behaviour.Although there might seem a lot of talk about myself on this page,in fact everything here is about myself and I don't discuss these with anyone at all.Nevertheless,it is not even worth mentioning.My break is almost over and now it's time to show up.I have not more than five months remaining in this college and well,it's time to move over.Its hard to think three years have passed away too soon!The more important issue looming ahead of me is five months ahead of now,when i'll finish college,I'll be secluded again and have to find something at least to not let that happen.I can live alone but living alone and not doing anything,it is absolutely horrible.It's not that I don't like rest or breaks but doing things that lack purpose is a big no for me.I need to find something to do in the coming months in order to escape non-activity.