JUST MOVING ON-73

I have been wanting to write down a few of my negative aspects for a long time now. It is sort of a confession or if put in an another way,I want to unburden some of the stuff I have held so secretly in my mind. I have never been a person who likes to share his emotions with other people,no matter how close they are. This is the reason why even with a lot of friends around the corner,when it comes to consoling me during the bad times,I find no one but me. This has been partially because of the my self proclaimed 'expert' like status amidst people who are my friends. I am someone who can help others when in emotional problems but when it comes to me I am left with all but myself. No one tries to help me,as I ask none for it!

Things have been accumulating in my brain for a long time now. It is the time I should let out some,in order to have a peaceful future.

I have some responsibilities to fulfill and when people find me running away from them,they sort of warn me and I keep wondering what is it that is wrong with me?

Some people are born with talents,some achieve success by hard work but what about someone like me?I have no special talents(even if they exist,I have not found them yet!),so being an ordinary guy,I have to work hard in order to make my mark. But then what is wrong with me?

If you want pleasant words from someone,extend them the same courtesy. Relationships work on reciprocity.

I get upset when someone gets harsh with me! On that front,I still have a childish mind,being too sensitive. I am childish in other sense too that is,not understanding the limits when and how my words can hurt someone. This is unforgivable. I have this realization and thus if someone is harsh with me,I immediately start finding faults within myself. I start reminding myself when and how I was harsh with this person.

As it turns out,every person I have encountered until now,I have had some unpleasant moments with him/her. Of course this is the way it works, and we have to tolerate some of it. The unpleasant moments are often balanced with pleasant moments and we end up neutral.

How perfect if it always works like it!

I have successfully overcome a lot of aversion I had in earlier days. I no longer hate someone,neither do actions of most of the people unsettle me in any way. But when it comes to words,I have often found the path difficult to tread.

Basically,I want to control my mouth at any cost,and the more I try,the more unsuccessful I get.

This upsets me. More because,earlier I used to think this is the easiest thing to do. Not so easy anymore I guess.

The biggest problem with words is that they don't seem to hurt at the moment. Let's contrast it with someone slapping us in the face or punching in the stomach. We feel the impact immediately. The words don't. The problem starts when we start remembering and analyzing the event. The more we analyze,the more we get hurt.

Even worse is the thing that,once you hurt someone with your words,they don't seem to take you credibly and every word you utter,every time you try to convince them,the old memories continue to haunt.

I have realized it.

No matter how bad things get,never lose control of the tongue.

This is too easy to say and extremely difficult to follow. I have personally had a terrible time trying to control my mouth,but hey a difficult task is not and impossible one.

There are a few positives though. First,anyone speaking harshly to me makes me immediately realize how harsh I have been to him/her in the past. The other is that like myself he/she too might be having a tough time trying to control the tongue.

The other this that is more important but less painful at the moment is the confusion regarding the future. This is something for which I am purely responsible.

Any wrong step taken,directly influences me. Any right step taken directly benefits me.

But things are not that simple. I have failed quite a lot in the past few months. The self confidence I used to boast of, is really down these days. I no longer find myself 'immune' to the day to day sufferings. And in that respect,if I think there is some hope,it has to appear now. Delayed by some time,it will have a lot of negative impacts on my future.

I am not someone who puts in his effort to show off to others,of course there are not a lot of people who'll be impressed by my success. Those who should, seem to have given hope on me,while I don't have any enemies against whom I have to prove anything. In that regard,I am independent but it has its costs too. First of them is the confusion I face:

Is this the right thing to do?
What do I lose if I don't do it?

What do I gain if I do it?

Why in the world should I do it?

Why not leave it all and run away?

This last once has played a very significant part in my life for the past few years. As I have already mentioned before,I am someone who doesn't like to be social and living here,among people is just a cost for my survival! I desire to be in a place,secluded form others,with nobody but me to talk to. I won't mind a few animals and birds though! But living among a dense population with a lot of day to day interaction with lot of people is not my cup of tea. I don't want to be a part of any group or any society. Seclusion has been my utmost desire. Even in college days I was friendly to everyone but a friend to no one. I helped a few people here and there,but honestly I don't deserve the tag of a friend.

Amidst all this,even if I fail slightly the immediate thought that comes to my mind is leaving all this and run off to a far place,where nobody bothers you. In psychological terms this is the 'escapist' way and thus not a recommended one.

It may sound like a soldier running off from the battlefield in case of enemy fire.

I don't mean to be like that. But what to do if there is no passion left? I have to figure out a way to deal with this. A successful event will definitely change a lot of things,and I am badly waiting for one.

It is not like I have no put in the effort. Rather the case has been that,the efforts being put in,don't seem enough to get me through. And in the end there is frustration,self doubt,and a lot of unpleasant talks to hear from others.

I have tasted failure in the recent months,and the illusion that I was immune to day to day suffering has been shattered. But the positive thing is that I have learned a lot,and I am a different person from what I was an year ago.