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JUST MOVING ON-70


Failures are never glorified.This is the way of the world.The theroy of natural selection too seems to confirm that.Of course the most successful have the most chances to survive,others have to make way,however horrible it may sound.For me,failure was never going to be an option so when I failed to clear my entrance exam this month,I was in a state of despair.No hope seemed to be there,all the effort seemed useless and I was caught by surprise,quite literally.As time passed,and a few weeks later,that is today,I think it has left a deep scar on me and I have lost considerable amount of self confidence in the way.
My past has never been a memorable one.There have been instances when I cursed myself for being alive here,but I had and still have the hope to succeed.For the past few months,I have been reading a lot of religious stuff and it has provided me a framework to deal with the problems in my life,yet there are a few where I just want to give up.A considerable amount of self doubt settles in and I'm left hopeless.People often regard it as a state of depression.I get depressed sometimes and lose control of myself in the process and often end up thinking on weird ideas.One of them doing the rounds of my mind is that I should leave this life and run away.The 'escapist' way,it often seems to be adventurous one.
Ever since my childhood,I have been imagining running in to the wild,and living like a hermit seemed to be a nice idea.I have never aspired to be connected to the world or be involved in the worldly affairs and often feel like living among people is the price being paid for my survival.As soon as my survival in ensured sans the people,I'll have no problems living alone secluded from everyone.As I have grown up,this idea still exists in my mind which means it was not some childish fantasy.I think my life is better living alone than not.I am very bad at expressing myself,and with a foul mouth,I make sure everyone I come across hates me.Controlling my tongue has been the hardest thing,and honestly,I have never been able to succeed.I have often thought of the reasons behind it.
Why I go from a soft speaking common man to somone using harsh words against his own family?
How come I repent that event minutes later,yet unable to control my tongue when required?
Does someone annoy me?If yes why do I care?
I don't think I should be more concerned about correcting others than I should be about finding faults within myself.Afterall,I have to be responsible for my actions,not others'!Thought over with a calm mind I often realize my mistake,but the feedback loop is so poor that I am not able to apologize.So the person sees the bad side of me and when I try to present my good side,it just doesn't get across.I then end of looking like a real villain in the story.It has been accumulating for a long time now,and now sometimes things get unbearable.Then I realize there is a lot of suffering in the world and I have to take it as long as I'm alive.Then,I don't have to worry about perceptions too as they are temporary.
There are not any problems,fundamental in nature as far as I'm concerned so I don't have to worry about it.I have to take a lot of suffering,on account of my actions and hence I consider myself responsible for the state I'm in today.Yes there is some amount of depression but since I hold myself responsible I don't have to curse anyone for it.I have the responsibility to rectify the mistakes as well as to succeed.This is the firm belief I have,and it is the path I have to take.
NOTE:
*There is a lot of negativity right now,and I have to make sure I don't make any wrong decision during this time.
*Opinion of people doesn't matter in the long run,so I don't even have to think about it.

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